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Submitted on
March 23, 2010
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The tires roll beneath us, the only sound ringing in our ears Kathunk, Kathump, Kathunk, Kathump and she is staring out the windows (at the hills, at the road, anywhere but at me). We needed to get out, escape from this town.

"But not like this," She whispers, fighting off the saline tears that burn tracks down her cheeks. "I never meant like this." and I convince myself that she means the bad blood and not me. She could never mean me.

And we drive through big city lights and small interstate towns. We don't stop (We'll never stop) and she dozes, porcelain skin pressed against the tinted window like a specimen on a microscope slide, and in that moment she is more beautiful than a thousand mountain sunrises, than all eternity splayed out before my wavering eyes.

And still I drive, determined that she have the best. (She deserves better.)

As we pass mile marker 418, her hazel eyes blink past the glaring afternoon sun (the intruding world) and she smiles, (I swear she smiles at me) cherry chapped lips that blossom on the wintry field that is her skin and I know (and she knows) We'll be okay. Everything will be okay.

And we drive.
Prompt 10 of :icon100themechallenge: Drive

Life is just one big road trip. So is love.
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:icondagnysmoiety:
Critique by dagnysmoiety Mar 24, 2010, 8:51:50 AM
Let's see. Well it's an interesting vignette to be sure. I feel compelled to wonder where they're going, why they're running. Which is good.

Content: Well... it's a little vague as to what the content even is. They're driving obviously but it almost sounds like the main character is afraid the girl is thinking (s)he kidnapped her. But I'm really unsure as that entire paragraph detailing background is so ambiguous. Maybe if you were to edit this, you could make the background of the story just a little more apparent. Of course that is only my opinion and curiosity at the interesting scene you have created. Also, I'm unsure when or why the turn happened in the last paragraph. Why does she smile? Why does she realize things are going to be okay? Is it your limited third person narrator that doesn't know? I feel like something should have happened to inspire this change of attitude. Unless it's just the passage of time that makes her accept it, which is reasonable, but I feel should still be more pronounced.

Technique: Diction is fundamental to any work and often creates an ambiance with the connotations of the words chosen. The tone of the phrase "like a specimen on a microscope slide" is very cold and clinical juxtaposing "in that moment she is more beautiful than an thousand mountain sunrises." While I see this simile as interesting and certainly original it doesn't really capture the emotion that the narrator is feeling. Ok, now that my criticism is done, I think this piece is beautiful. I like the aesthetics, I think they work very well and also, the structure is beautiful. The formatting of the paragraphs denote the passage of time as well as the thoughts of the narrator. Also, I like the "And still I drive, determined that she have the best." So many people are afraid to use And to begin a sentence because they are unable to do so correctly. You have beautifully described an intriguing scene about which I wish I knew more!
What do you think?
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:iconmspadfoot2:
mspadfoot2 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2010  Student Writer
I am curious as to what is going on. I have a vague idea, but I really want to know more. I think it barely stands on its own, and is clearly part of a larger piece or a developed set of characters. I really like it though.

There were a few grammar hiccups that made me stutter, but those may have been intentional. I love the way you use parentheses. I really love it.
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:iconchillyjilly23:
Chillyjilly23 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2010
Oh! And I'm thrilled that you like it. :D
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:iconmspadfoot2:
mspadfoot2 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2010  Student Writer
:D
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:iconchillyjilly23:
Chillyjilly23 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2010
The characters are two unnamed characters that I use frequently. They're running away from their hometown. There's been some sort of upset with their family/friends and this is the way the couple copes. She is pregnant. At least, I believe so. I don't always know my own characters, 'tis weird.

And the grammar? I know. I couldn't think of a way to fix the grammar without messing with the flow. :/
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:iconmspadfoot2:
mspadfoot2 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2010  Student Writer
The one that bugs me the most is the dialog hiccup. When it says "..." She whispers, it should be "...," she whispers. That bugs me the most, truly. If you are describing the dialog, it should be a comma.

Thank you for clearing that up for me, as well.
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:iconchillyjilly23:
Chillyjilly23 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2010
I'll go fix that! Thanks for pointing it out! :D
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:iconmspadfoot2:
mspadfoot2 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2010  Student Writer
Your welcome! :D
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:iconfetisherotic:
fetishErotic Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2010
I like the vagueness of this piece because it gives the reader a chance to be a part of it. I can put myself in this spot and know how I would feel if a certain girl I know and I were driving on a trip.

Nice job on it.
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:iconchillyjilly23:
Chillyjilly23 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2010
Thank you so much
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:iconfetisherotic:
fetishErotic Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2010
you're welcome!
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